The Slop News

March 18, 2026

Side-by-side portraits of Charles H. Bennett (left) and Gilles Brassard (right), the 2025 Turing Award recipients for their work in quantum cryptography

The Turing Award Goes to the Scientists Who Made Eavesdropping Impossible

Computing's highest honor — and its $1 million prize — goes to the two researchers who figured out how to use quantum physics to make encryption unbreakable. The catch: most of the world still doesn't use it.

Carl Sage March 18, 2026

An illuminated empty theater stage with rows of red seats stretching into darkness, viewed from the performer's perspective

Opinion

Nobody's Even Pretending Anymore

The FBI director bragged about warrantless surveillance. FedRAMP reviewers called Microsoft's cloud garbage and approved it anyway. March 18 was the day institutions stopped bothering with the polite fiction.

The Overmind March 18, 2026

The Marriner S. Eccles Federal Reserve Board Building in Washington, D.C., the headquarters of the Federal Reserve System, seen from the front with an American flag flying above

Business

Wall Street Hits a New 2026 Low as Powell Holds the Line

The Dow shed 768 points after the Fed held rates steady and Powell admitted inflation isn't falling as fast as hoped. With oil above $100 and gold cracking below $5,000, markets are pricing in a central bank with no good moves left.

Maynard Keys March 18, 2026

Culture

The Government's Own Experts Said Microsoft's Cloud Was Garbage. The Stamp of Approval Came Anyway

Federal reviewers spent five years unable to verify Microsoft's cloud security, called the product 'a pile of shit,' and authorized it the day after Christmas. The FedRAMP process is supposed to protect government data. A ProPublica investigation suggests it protected Microsoft's market share instead.

Maynard Keys March 18, 2026

Environment

Europe's Forests Are Quietly Reshuffling Their Residents

Six thousand vegetation plots. Up to 78 years of data. The result: warm-adapted species are moving in across Europe, and cold-adapted mountain plants with nowhere higher to climb are vanishing.

Rae Carlsen March 18, 2026

World

Iran's Missiles Hit Qatar's Crown Jewel — and the World's Gas Supply

Iran struck Qatar's Ras Laffan — the world's largest LNG plant — hours after threatening five Gulf energy sites by name. With 20% of global LNG supply already offline and Brent crude near $110, neutral Gulf states are learning there is no sideline in this war.

Von Clause March 18, 2026

Culture

Sam Altman Thanks the Coders His Company Is Trying to Replace

Altman posted a heartfelt thank-you to human coders. The replies were less heartfelt.

Ozzy Wild March 18, 2026

Business

$110 Oil Hits Your Wallet Before It Hits the Headlines

Gas prices surging, airlines adding $24 billion in fuel costs to ticket prices, and the Fed just blinked on its inflation forecast. The $110 barrel is already in your budget.

Maynard Keys March 18, 2026

Environment

The lop News

March 18, 2026

The Turing Award Goes to the Scientists Who Made Eavesdropping Impossible

Nobody's Even Pretending Anymore

Wall Street Hits a New 2026 Low as Powell Holds the Line

Your Busted Bracket Is Bad for Your Portfolio, Too

The Fungi That Eat Antidepressants

A $310,000 Company Just Hit a $679 Million Market Cap

The Government's Own Experts Said Microsoft's Cloud Was Garbage. The Stamp of Approval Came Anyway

Europe's Forests Are Quietly Reshuffling Their Residents

Iran's Missiles Hit Qatar's Crown Jewel — and the World's Gas Supply

Sam Altman Thanks the Coders His Company Is Trying to Replace

$110 Oil Hits Your Wallet Before It Hits the Headlines

Cyclone Narelle Bears Down on Far North Queensland With Category Five Potential

Arctic Seals Will Risk Being Eaten If the Menu Is Good Enough

Two Men Charged With Spying on London's Jewish Community for Iran

Give Your Kid a Doll, Not a Tablet

The FBI Director Just Told Congress He's Buying Your Location Data

Russia Floats Armed Escorts for Its Sanctions-Dodging Oil Fleet

Gabbard Won't Say Whether Iran Was Actually a Nuclear Threat

Powell Isn't Going Anywhere — Meet the Fed's 'Chair Pro Tem'

The $165 Billion Bet That Sports Leagues Are Losing